Why Orchids Are Like Cats

The Internet has proved to us that cats are dickheads. Cute sure; but mostly self indulgent narcissists. I admit, I am not a cat owner. I have however fallen into the trap laid by the orchid and this is my story.

Image courtesy of http://paradiseflowersnyc.com/

hello I’m so perfect, oh and also a dickhead

Why orchids are like cats




How to take care of your orchid plant



1. Don’t feed them
Cats, unlike other animals, do not appreciate being fed. They prefer to catch birds or lizards. They prefer any other sustenance than the food you are offering. Orchids are rather the same. Don’t give them soil. I mean, sure, EVERY OTHER PLANT IN THE WORLD needs soil but not orchids. Orchids are xerophytes.

{An aside: What are Xerophytes? These are dickhead plants that don’t play by other plant rules. Everything you know about plants? Now do the opposite.}

2. Don’t water them
Cats, unlike dogs, have a rather high opinion of themselves and the water they are deigned to drink. Orchids are rather the same. They don’t need your water, dammit, they dont WANT your water. They can get their own damned water from the air. Um what?

3. Don’t talk to them
Orchids are not like other plants. I repeat, not. like. other. plants. They don’t need encouragement, or cheering. Cats are somewhat similar. No one ever said “there’s a good boy” to Tom Cat.

4. Don’t need them
Orchids do not care one little bit how much you paid for them. They don’t care that your mother in law gifted them to you at Christmas, and that if you don’t make them flourish then you will never be good enough for her boy. They don’t care that Snow Drop Phalenopsis is exactly the element required to tie together your living room decor. Cats don’t care either. Cats don’t care if you’ve had a bad day at work or you’re feeling sad or perhaps you are in the mood for throwing this tennis ball around. That’s not even slightly relevant.

Image courtesy of http://1888orchids.blogspot.co.za/

I am an orchid and I am better than you

If, and only if, you obey all of these rules your orchid will suddenly bloom and flourish and grow and sprout in ways you had only imagined. Sure, your orchid will be a bit wonky, and not exactly magazine quality. But suddenly you’ve reached the optimum point where you don’t need your orchid and your orchid doesn’t need you and both of you are completely ok with it. Symbiosis, bitch.

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Symbiosis, bitch

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